she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
