Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
