so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
