Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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