I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
