Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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