The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
