you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
