Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
