My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
