you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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