Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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