are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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