I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
