Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
