even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
