my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
