i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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