She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
