if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
