If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
