Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
