My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
