There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
