look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it glows. i had to have it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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