I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
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IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
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Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.