nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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