She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
