I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
