so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
