I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
