you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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