I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
