now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
