I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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