in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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