I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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