i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
