overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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