Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
