I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
