Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
