I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
