I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
