Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.