Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
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my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
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He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now