Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
