The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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