I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
