My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
