So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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