I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
