Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
