This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
someone owes me an orgasm
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
