They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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