Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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