All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
