I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
